HOW TO FIND A HOT PAIR OF POSING TRUNKS
Posing trunks MUST be made from that super shiny, rubbery looking (slurp) material, which thankfully, a lot are! Try to avoid posers which are made of that non-shiny matte (i.e. dull as fuck) fabric! Basically, the more outrageously SHINY...the better!! I can not stress this enough! Always go for *the* fuck-off shiniest posers you can find. If your trunks are so fucking shiny the audience and judges will need sunglasses in order to look directly at them then you've done well! And here's the most important rule in regards to the material when choosing your posing trunks. Do NOT, under any circumstances, even contemplate a pair of....VELVET (Why?! Just. WHY?!) POSERS!! There is currently a campaign (started by ME) to rid the entire world of ANY posing trunks made of velvet. In fact, if I worked at the IFBB I would push for the rule that ANY bodybuilder who steps on stage in a pair of velvet trunks receives an instant disqualification. No questions. No explanations. No mercy. NO VELVET FUCKING POSING TRUNKS!!
As a general rule, the brighter and more outrageously colourful, the better!! You can't go wrong with a pair of bright blue numbers, bright red trunks, or emerald green posers. All very respectable, masculine colours unlikely to raise an eyebrow! *If*, however, you're a little bit braver, and bolder by nature, and like to veer outside the norm (chances are if you're 200lbs of nothing but hard, freaky, striated muscle...YOU DO), you could opt for a pair of purple posers *whimpers*, nasty lime green (WOOF), or if you're *really* brave and extremely comfortable with your masculinity....BRIGHT PINK (FAAAAWKK)!! And if colours of the rainbow aren't your thing, slightly less common but equally as awesome as any of the above, a pair of silver or shiny gold slurpers *bites knuckle*! And if colourful is really NOT your thing, if you're a little bit more traditional, or just too fucking butch to wear anything else, then black is passable *BUT* (and this a BIIIIG but) they absolutely MUST (and I can't stress this enough) be made out of shiny "wet look" material, or look as if they were cut from a bin bag!
Without any shadow of a doubt, when it comes to the size of your trunks, the teenier, the tinier, and more minuscule...the hotter they are!! Posing trunks must be cut to actually look like posing trunks..NOT speedos, or undies! That means the straps must be tiny and thin, and the front must be stretched and strained to the max by what's underneath it! But the most important aspect of posing trunks when it comes to size is how they fit at the back. If you're posing trunks cover ALL of your huge, hard, striated glutes, then your trunks are either way too big, or you bootie is way too small! Your posing trunks should not cover any more than about 70% of your hard, muscled ass. Basically, the LESS your trunks cover up, and the MORE your GLOOTZ (FUCK YEAH) are on display, the more you've nailed it!
POSING TRUNK HABITS & GENERAL WEAR
Once your super shiny, outrageously coloured, perfectly sized trunks are snugly on, there's not really a huge amount you can do now...right?? WRONG!! There's a LOT of things you can do now to make the most of your tiny shiny posers!! OK there's not really a lot you can do to the front pouch (it's already bulging to stretching point and struggling to contain the Little General..BOING) and if you start messing with that part of your trunks on stage, you might be quickly escorted off by security, but there is NOTHING in the bodybuilding rulebook which says you can't have fun with the straps! I'm not suggesting for one minute you should stand there waiting for the poses to be called, pulling the straps of your trunks and then letting them snap back on your hard tight bronzed bod for the hell of it (although that would actually be a pretty fucking awesome sight to see...PHWOAR), but you *can* have a little tug/pull/play with them when your hitting your poses, especially the front lat and back lat spread poses!! Instead of just simply resting your fists on your hips, why not tuck each thumb under both straps, and then pull the thin shiny fabric UP as FAR as it'll go without squishing your man bits *too* much as you blast that pose and your thick juicy muscle tits jump up to your chin and your massive freaky lats flare out like wings. YOINK!! The part of the trunks you can have the most fun with on stage though, is the back! If you have a decent sized bootie, there's a fairly good chance the back of your trunks will find itself being eaten up/swallowed by your gigantic mammoth glutes *whimpers* at some point on stage, after enough strutting, waddling, cranking and flexing, and the majority of the trunk seat will end up spending most of it's time residing in your ass crack! If this doesn't happen naturally however, you can give them a gentle little nudge yourself. In other words, you can manually tuck the back of your shiny posers into your crack, to fully show off your big, hard, line covered ass in all it's full glory! This is probably best done the first time you face the rear of the stage to crank out some poses from the back, just for maximum effect, and will probably cause a bit of a reaction from the audience, i.e. cheers, a few outrageous laughs, and maybe a cheeky heckle or two. Once the trunks are buried deep in between your huge juicy glutes, you could even do something a little nasty, cheeky and outrageous, like wiggling your big bootie, or even pointing to your insanely hard, alien-like ass! Once you're done hitting your rear poses with your big juicy bum on display, you can retrieve the back of the posers and adjust them to their original place, or you can just carry on flexing your huge ripped mass and cranking your insanely shredded beef with your big ole' bootie hanging out and bouncing around, and your poor little trunks permanently wedged inside your bum crack! That's completely your call!
And if you're a little unclear of any of the above, here are ten shiny examples of exactly the kind of insanely HOT posing trunks described above, which their pumped up, ripped up, freaky as fuck owners, who clearly have fucking AWESOME taste in trunks, should be very proud to have chosen...
#1. BRAD ROWE'S SHINY BLUE TRUNKS
OK let's see. Shiny as fucking shit? Check! Bright and boldly coloured? Check? Perfectly sized and shaped with thin straps, straining to the absolute max at the front, and not even being close to covering all of Bradders hard nasty, rippled fucking ass? Check fucking check!! Brad's shiny blue numbers are the perfect combo of being classic, masculine, respectable and unlikely to cause any eyebrows to be raised (except maybe one or two in regards to the size of Brad's bulge *blush*), but bright, shiny, tiny and nasty enough for the biggest of posing trunk lovers (SLURP)!!
And if blue isn't quite as adventurous for you, he also owns some outrageously fucking bright and shiny turquoise trunks, which are also hot as FUCK and definitely deserve some attention!
And if you haven't seen *that* infamous video by now (one question: WHY?) and you quite like the sound of Brad yoinking down those shiny blue slurpers half way down his inhumanely hard, ripped to shreds GLOOTZ, then you might wanna have a watch of the below video...
#2. SANTI ARAGON'S SILVER NUMBERS
My first reaction when I saw uber-cute Latin-American beef monkey Santi Aragon sporting his silver posers?? "HOLY FUCKING CRAP"!! HOT does not even begin to describe these fuckers! ANY silver posing trunks make me pant like a dog with a bone(r), but when they're cut and shaped like THESE babies, it's a wonder I'm not writing this from a hospital bed with a drip feed after suffering severe dehydration! Just fucking LOOK at the shape of these trunks at the front! It's like they're custom made to perfectly accommodate Santi's man meat (hehe)! And the straps?? I've seen thicker fucking dental floss! And don't they look like they're made from the most wafer thin material imaginable, which also happens to be so fucking shiny I fear they may render a judge or two blind! It's a big statement but I'm just gonna say it. These are one of *THE* hottest pairs of posing trunks I've ever laid my eyes on!
NOTE: In some of the Instagram pics here it looks like Santi's wearing a different/gold coloured pair but I've been assured it's just the lighting and they are actually the same silver pair!!
And check out the below video to see Santi ripping up the stage and giving it some serious fucking TUDE in those shiny little slurpers...
#3. JOHNNY DOULL'S PURPLE SLURPERS
I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that 22 year old Canuck muscle cutie Johnny Doull quite likes his posing trunks!! He's been snapped sporting bright emerald green (YUM), shiny metallic blue (PHWOAR) and a hot little orangey/red pair, all perfectly sized, all nicely showing his ripped up glutes at the back, all as shiny as posers should be, and all very very lovely, but without a doubt his hottest and most adventurous pair are his ridiculously shiny, fetchingly bright purple numbers he just LOVES to crank out those poses in on stage, and show off all that tight tight, shredded fucking BEEF with that awesome/cheeky tude he's adopting more and more these days!! FUCK YEAH JOHNNY!!
And a brief look at the other trunks in Mr Doull's wardrobe. What a fucking collection!! You lil' posing trunk loving pup Johnny!!
#4. BEN "PACMAN" PAKULSKI'S HOT PINK POSERS
QUESTION: What kind of bodybuilder chooses to step on stage in a pair of indecently shiny, HOT rubbery looking BRIGHT PINK posing trunks?? ANSWER: Only one of *the* biggest, butchest, baddest, baldest, most hyper-aggressive, uber-macho muscle monsters in the IFBB!! HELLS YEAH!! There's one thing here that needs to be said. Ben Pacman's taste in posers = FUCKING! AWESOME! Always tiny! Always shiny! Always slurpy! Always showing off those awesome GLUTES! And *normally* amazingly coloured (purple/cyan/blue seem to be his favourites)! Hell, even when he opts for black they're mega mega shiny! And then at the 2012 Mr Olympia, the fucker only stomped out, all huge and shredded and carved to fucking perfection, wearing nothing but the SHINIEST pair of PINK posing trunks!! Awesome, bonkers, outrageous, nasty and SO MOTHER-EFFING HOT!!
And a quick look at some of Pacman's other awesome trunks! SLURP FOOKING SLURP!!
There are a number of things which come to mind when I hear the words Alexey Lesukov. Russian monster! Baby face! Massive tits! GOLD POSERS!! No one pulls off a pair of ultra shiny, wafer thin, gold numbers like Alexey! And he clearly has affection for gold coloured trunks because he's worn them in almost every show he's competed in for about the past 5 years! Whether or not he's wearing the exact same pair he was wearing years ago I'm not sure but hell, when you find trunks THIS hot/awesome/outrageously coloured, why the fuck not?!
Jake Nikolopoulos = Big! Beefy! Ripped! Lovely! Sexy! HOT! Jake Nikolopoulos' red posing trunks = Teenie! Shiny! Slurpy! Lovely! Sexy! VERY FUCKING HOT!! This list wouldn't be complete with a pair of bright red posers, and I can't think of any hotter in recent memory than the pair worn by Aussie muscle monkey Jake. Perfectly shaped! Perfectly sized! Perfectly shined! Perfectly coloured! And perfectly FITTED! These slurpers look amazing from all angles, whether being filled out at the front *blushes* or barely containing Jake's big juicy bum meat at the back *whimpers*! They also seem to suit him so fucking well, and perfectly compliment his tan colour and skin tone, to the point where I really can't imagine him wearing any other colour!!
#7. JERRY FOSS' PURPLE KNICK-KNOCKS
OK I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking "Jerry Who"?! I've never featured this guy on the blog before, and he's fairly unknown so here's what you need to know. He's an American lightweight bodybuilder and a regular on the NPC circuit (his last competition was last year's USA's). He's masculine but has a boyish charm, very cheeky looking and insanely fucking CUTE! He rocks a HARD, tight, beef packed bod which is always ripped and nicely cut when in comp condition. He cranks and flexes said beef with the most awesome, cheeky "fucking go for it lad" tude! Hitting his poses HARD and fast while scrunching up that lovely mush of his, biting down hard on his bottom lip and generally being an awesome, cheeky tude pumped fucking fucker!! And oh yeah...he just so happens to be the proud owner of the HOTTEST fucking pair of PURPLE posers I've seen...bar none! FUCK! Just...FUCK! The pictures here do NOT do justice to just how shiny and sexy these trunks are! The pics/screenshots from the DVD's he features on over at USAMuscle.com are a much better indication, especially this one! Look. How. Fucking. Shiny!! I love Jerry and his purple slupers so fucking much that I've bought every "download" from USAMuscle he's features on *blush*..and not a single one was a disappointment! SHINIEST. SEXIEST. PURPLE. POSERS. EVER! And the lad wearing them isn't so bad either (PHWOOOARR)!
#8. FIDEL PERDOMO'S SHINY GREEN TRUNK-TRUNKS
And from one fairly unknown, very cute (some might say Fidel is cuter but I have a huge soft spot for Jerry so I'm not gonna agree with that one), ripped up, NPC lightweight bodybuilder to another. Fidel first caught my eye for a number of reasons. He was bloody gorgeous, packing some seriously sexy, nicely ripped beef on his bones, and also happened to be covering up his naughty bits with a pair of BRIGHT GREEN trunks which are the only posers to even come close to rivalling Santi's silver numbers in the "fucking outrageous, slightly nasty, and God damn fucking HOT" stakes! So damn bright I need to get my sunglasses, the hottest, nastiest shade of emerald genie green, tiny tiny straps, perfectly sized at the back and nicely showing of Fidel's bum-bum, and just the hottest, most perfect shape at the front which, like Santi's, seem to have been custom made to fit his dangly bits *bites knuckle so hard my tooth breaks..whoopsie*!
#9. ALED BARRY'S METALLIC BLUE FUCKERS
Yes it's been a fair few years since this Aussie beef hottie competed wearing *these* outrageously sexy slurpers, but when I'm made to think of the hottest pairs of posing trunks I can, these bad boys *always* spring to mind! Yes they're a lovely shade of baby blue, yes they have an awesome metallic look to them, yes they're as shiny as every posing trunk ever made should be, but what really sets these trunks apart for me is the sheer fucking LACK of them, i.e. how outrageously and unbelievably fucking TINY they are. Do they make posing trunks especially for 4 foot bantamweight teen bodybuilders? If so, I think Aled's been shopping in the wrong department! What material there actually *is* at the front can barely contain that pointy bulge underneath, you wonder why they even fucking BOTHERED with the straps they're that thin, and how big they are at the back (FYI not that big at all..PHWOAR) is utterly useless information because they were gonna get gobbled up by Mr. Barry's beefy buns of bum beef regardless!
If posing trunk size is an issue for ANY bodybuilder, it's Big Ramy! How. The. FUCK does the Egyptian beef monster find trunks that accommodate THAT mammoth sized fucking ASS?? Any posing trunk fabric which comes into contact with that big juicy bootie just stands NO fucking chance of being spared a devouring! The front of the posers aren't exactly in for an easy ride either. Dude looks like he's shoved half the fruit section of my local Tescos down his trunks! And yet, with posing trunk size clearly being an issue for this walking mountain of mammoth sized man meat, this doesn't seem to have stopped Ramy from owning about 50 fucking pairs!! I've seen pics of Ramy wearing blue, green, purple, black, red. The fucker LOVES his trunks!! But without a doubt THE hottest pair I have ever seen Ramy's bits (barely) squeezed into, are the below, mega shiny, rubbery/slightly sparkly looking (might just be the light but if they *are*..FUCKING BONKERS), BRIGHT BLEEDIN' PINK slurpers!! FAAAW-KING HOT!! The bad news? They've only made an appearance in this one set of pics, which begs one question Ramy. WHY?! He's either a little unsure about stepping on stage in these fuckers, or he's saving them up for a special occasion. I'm praying it's the latter because I'd fucking LOVE to see Big Ramy flexing it up with some of the biggest muscle monsters in the world, cranking out those poses with that nasty/aggressive/scrunchy tude he seems to be adopting sporting THESE outrageously nasty, insanely shiny, bright PINK little fuckers!!
And finally, a poll to vote for which of these posing trunks do it for you the most!! I can't control the way people vote on these things, but I'd encourage anyone taking part to try and vote for which trunks you like the most rather than how you feel about the lads wearing them!
One last thing: I FUCKING LOVE POSING TRUNKS!!!!